【巧克力 x 113 】

I can't sleep well tonight...
I just can't get myself into sleep...
.
..
...
..
.
I am now 22. 

I am no longer a little boy.

I don't know how good it can be to be a young adult.

I always hear words saying...

Hey! You sound more mature than how old you are.

Mate, you are handling things well.

Dude, you have a great future ahead with such vision towards life.

I feel nice to hear words like that.
I always hope to make my parents proud...
I always hope to be good.. To be capable...

But just for a few minutes only...

Then I start to question, am I really capable?

What do I have in my hands? 

Do I really have them with me?

Recently, the same old problem came to haunt me again.

I know this gonna happen again...

No matter how much I hate it, it will come back and I know it.

I thought I am prepared for it...

But when I face it, I start to get fear all over me.

.

..

...

..

.

Why? Why? Why?

Why both of you just can't solve things out peacefully?

Why so many outsider to make things complicated?

Why is it so damn hard to ask for consideration of the other half's feelings?

Why others having a nice family life, and I have to face this situation?

I HATE EVERY SINGLE MOMENT WHEN I HAVE TO DO THE EXPLANATIONS...

I HATE EVERY SINGLE MOMENT WHEN I HAVE TO MAKE THE MOVE...

I HATE IT... I REALLY HATE IT... I HATE I HATE I HATE....

BOTH OF U HAVE BEEN RAISING ME UP FOR THESE YEARS...

BOTH OF U ARE THE ONE I LOVE THE MOST...

BUT BOTH OF U ARE HURTING EACH OTHER...

BOTH OF U HAVE BEEN TOGETHER FOR SO MANY YEARS. AND NOW....

WHY IS IT SO HARD TO BE TOGETHER??

AM I BEING TOO CRUEL TO ASK FOR BOTH PARTIES TO COMPROMISE?

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU HOW I FEEL...

MAYBE EVEN ME MYSELF DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL TOO...

I FEEL TERRIBLE...

I FEEL HORRIBLE...

ALL THESE THINGS FREAKED ME OUT...

I JUST HOPE THAT EVERYTHING IS JUST A DREAM...

THINGS WILL GET ALL RIGHT BY THE TOMORROW SUNRISE...

BUT I CLEARLY KNOW THAT IT ISN'T THAT WAY...

I DON'T FEEL GOOD OVER IT...

I thought I am old enough to handle things in a rational way...

But I don't.. I still has fear to get over it...

I don't hope to choose.

But I know the time has to come.

At some point, I even hope the time to come.

Decision has to be made.

Life has to go on...

To a certain extent, I even hope that I am still a kid.

But I know I can't escape from reality.

It won't make things better...

TRADES... MARKET TREND COME AGAINST ME...

ACTIVITIES... COMPANIES SHOOKING HEAD TOWARDS ME...

ACADEMIC... I THOUGHT IT IS THE ONLY LAST THING I COULD BRAG ABOUT BUT...

FAMILY... I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SORT THINGS OUT NOW....

WHAT DO I REALLY LEAVE BEHIND FOR MYSELF?

I DON'T KNOW...

DO I REALLY ENJOY DOING ALL THESE ACTIVITIES?

I DON'T KNOW...

DO I STILL BELIEVE IN MYSELF?

I DON'T KNOW...

I DONT HOPE TO KNOW ANYTHING...

I AM JUST NOTHING..............

Tonight I lose to my own emotions...
I cried...
Bravo... Good night...

【巧克力 x 112】

Life is just too much for me sometimes.
But I know the world still has loads of stuff that worth our time.

.
..
...
..
.

I always dream of experiencing different culture in different countries.
Getting close to different tribes, get to experience the different norms.

But now, I even feel that

"Hey! Seems like I don't even know my own surrounding well"

I get lost at times. I lose my ground...
I drown in my own emotions...
I lose directions..
Just like taking a roller coaster, experiencing free fall...


Things will get better...
I always have this thought in mind...
But how better is better enough?
I don't know...
Sometimes it would be better if you try to keep those stuff only to urself...

【巧克力 x 111】

This is the 3rd day of the CME Trading Challenge...
I have been making losses and profits for the first two days...
But not in such significant amount in today...

In a single trade, I made losses of 4k...
I lost all the fortune I made for the whole afternoon...
I can't imagine how bad it is... I never expect it to happen...
It's just happen, so suddenly...

Well that's a lesson to me too...
Never expect easy money from the market...
Because you are exposed to lose easy money too...
Luckily it is all virtual money...
I just lose what I earn for the whole 6hours of time...
But damn it, I still feel bad for the team...

There is no worthy or not...
But emotion is just a dangerous killer in trades....

【巧克力 x 110 】

I may be busy but I will always try best to reply msg to ppl that are important to me...
I may hope for something in return because I really do care...
And sometimes that something may prove to be too much to somebody...
.
..
...
It's okie...
...
..
.
I am not wasting my time on you...
I am just trying my best not to leave regret in future...

Ya you may say I am just trying my best to cover up my own
Everyone has a choice to make up his/her own life...
You might find one useless rock came into your way at times...
But the same rock could turn out to be a gemstone to the others...
And no one could force one to care more or care lesser for a person...