【巧克力 x 129】

There goes 2013, with a countdown of less than 22 hours to go.

2013, a year full with ups and downs. 

Always remind myself that I only live once, so I always pile things up on my own shoulder. I am afraid of losing the chance to enjoy the freedom I am currently having. Hence, I have never fail to set tight schedule day in day out, hoping to meet up new people, listening to new stories, picking up new skills. Taking chance to participate in camps, events, functions. I am not be an extremely sociable person nor a very good speaker but I just like to meet new people.

But sometimes I do get tired, very very tired. 

Physically, I could spend days even weeks to give in my best to get an event done. 

I thought giving 100% is always the best way to work things out, maybe it is.

Mentally, I am always good at torturing myself with endless thoughts.

I will always find stones to drop on my own toes, without fail.

Throughout this year, of course I have grown into a different me.

I dare not say I am now a better person but it is definitely a different one.

Money is always important even though it is not the most but it can never be least.

I have regrets in making plenty of unnecessary spendings. 

I should start considering the whole picture, making scale on every single shits.

Some people just not worth your single cent, because they just won't appreciate it.

Lesson Learnt #1 : 

Not everyone gonna repay your good deed. So live with it...!

And there are always plenty of a**holes out there trying to control your life when they fail to control theirs.

Why bother to comment on how should I spend my money when you aren't giving me any?

I am earning my own share, and I gonna use it with my own way.

You are not happy? Then make your own way and do it yourself, don't ever try me...

You ain't my parents after all... No one make control of my life besides them...

I make my own business, I make my own career, I earn my own pay check...

So do you see a you in that line? NO..! So be nice or get lost...!

Lesson Learnt #2 : 

There are always idiots trying to influence you just because they can't do it... 

I realised how fragile a human relationship can be.

Couples break up, friends get "unfriended", family relationship turned sour...

Things could just change so quickly without you noticing it.

You may be very close to one now, texting each other every single night...

Believe me, this "passion" usually won't last more than two weeks.

In today's world, things just can done so quickly... So does a relationship...

You won't have the patience to wait for a letter reply because WhatsApp can do the job within seconds.

So if you can't have that patience for him/her, I suppose things end quicker too.

Spend time to work out a relationship if you really do care...

Find wayssss to do it, there are no fixed formulas... 

Relationship is an Art, not a Science!

Lesson Learnt #3 : 

People come and go, and life goes on..! Go ahead if you enjoy living in the past. Just rmb not to moan for your future later...

Maybe I'm not young any more, I need to start to prioritize what I wanna go after for my own life... 

Not just merely saying Yes without thinking twice, no more syiok syiok crazy last minute decision... 

Saying Yes is always easy but to deliver a promise is always the hard part.

Either you do it or you don't say it...  Simple as that...

People take your words as an opportunity to beat you...

Because no one gonna think for your situation, all they want is your delivery..!

Lesson Learnt #4 :

Think for yourself then for your loved ones. Ain't nobody have time to plan your future...

Appreciate whatever you have today.

Because no one knows when you gonna lose them in future.

I admit I am still no expert in doing this...

I tend to miss out people who did good to me and hoping for better.

I was hoping you and you to stay to fight for a better future together...

Having each other to encourage and lift the other up when one is down.

But I guess I am always too shy to express my affections to people...

Keeping feelings may be good sometimes when you wanna maintain a relationship.

But no one knows how it gonna ends if you don't make the first move...

Lesson Learnt #5 :

Appreciate what you have today! Speak up else risk losing her to play an important role in your life.

I have to start learning how to think like a Big Boy, a working adult...

At the age of 22, I don't know how much I have fulfilled a 22 year old should do.

I may not have a very smooth sailing one but I take these challenges as part of my journey.

And this is a long tough journey that still has plenty kilometres ahead...

I am afraid of the working life ahead of me.

I don't know am I going to do well, am I going to cope well with the lifestyle.

Wonder how much time usually I gonna spend in the office...

Wonder how much time I have for myself and my family...

I wonder how my 2014 gonna be...

And there is no other way to find out besides experiencing it myself 

New Year Resolution? 

Nahh, don't think that is necessary...

That is just a tag for you to get Likes...

It is nothing more than just a lie if you don't get to achieve it...

Just be positive with my own future, and learn along the way, that's what I believe as the best way...

【巧克力 x 128】

For this 2nd half of the year 2013, I have not been the usual me any more.
My skin problem get worsened till I never expect to be that bad.
After my so-called graduation trip with my gang in May 2013,
My skin problem has extended from only small patches on my legs to my hands...
Then slowly it grows and grows without my notice to almost all over my body.

I was once scheduled to do the allergy test but I missed it.
Now I'm somehow regret for not doing it.
I always hope to find out my allergens but the patches can't find place on my back.
I started to worry if this problem gonna persist till no end.
Physically, it is so damn ugly of course.
Mentally, it has tortured me a lot, I couldn't sleep soundly like I used to.
I lose temper very easily, no matter how small the matter is...
I get very frustrated whenever I see these all over my body.
I talk very much lesser to people around me...
I keep things to myself.
I feel that the whole world is going against me...
These three months have been the worst ever I could have had in my life.

Every single night I have to wake up at least once.
I don't know if this has become my habit or it is due to the itch.
I so hope that I could use steroid pills to kill it off to grant me peace for at least few weeks.
No matter how bad people say the medicine gonna be,
I rather die than suffering bad skin...

I can't play sports. I lose confidence of myself.
I started to avoid crowd, avoid public...
I paid more attention on others eyes when they talk to me.
I don't want them to notice how bad my condition is.
I wanna hide myself in my room with no one could enter.
I even have once think of giving up myself...

I hate... Yes I have hatred feelings towards myself.
I hate to have this problem with me.
I hate myself.
I hope I could put an end to all these...
I even think of put an end to my own life now...

【巧克力 x 127】

Sometimes life can go high up suddenly,
then there goes the huge fall to the bottom which you can't imagine.
Things just happen so quickly without you even notice,
and it has already took place when you do.

We always hear people saying how to start to appreciate life.
Live every day as if it is the last day of yours.
But in reality, how many on earth really practice it?
Maybe a few, maybe a little more, but definitely not the majority.

I have always have a dream to travel around the world.
Switzerland, Greece, Norway, Finland, Hungary.
There are many places I wanna explore, places where not many would go.

But today I started to question myself, Why?
Am I just wanna fulfill my own desire to show off where I have been through?
Or it is just a luxury dream to burn some dollars.

It seems like I always wanna do things that I couldn't make it happen yet.
I thought this could make me work harder, at least I still believe it now.
But there are limitations. It's not just about how good you are...
Sometimes you have to conform to the environment, the rules that I'm living under.
It is not easy but every task is a learning process.

Coming back to reality...
I don't know if I am too blessed.
When many struggle to get a good offer, I have several and don't know which to choose on.

1. Risk Management seems like a good new thing to put my hands on it, esp its a big bank CIMB.
2. Fraud Detection Analyst, Citibank, good place to start my career but not that department I think.
3. Actuarial Department, MLRe. That's right, did my internship with them and now here comes the offer.

I am not bragging but it is still a tough situation when you have choose.
I admit that I am not good in choosing.
All three have their pros and cons.

No point cracking my head, offers are on the table, take it or leave it.
Chose 3rd one with a timeframe I set for myself.
If I don't get ASA by the end of the 3 years I said, time to move on.
Things can be kinda clear cut sometimes when you set target in such way.
Limbo thingy don't really suit my style.